The Montana legislature, in its infinite wisdom, has just passed bill HB121 and sent it to our illustrious governor Gianforte to be signed into law. As we all have learned by now, there are only two sexes - male and female - and this bill will make sure that only females enter female bathrooms and only males enter male bathrooms. The problem is: how can you tell who's who?
The easy answer would be to install a camera or supervisor at the entrance of each facility with a clear sign reading: Drop Your Drawers. Perhaps this obvious solution was too risqué for our legislators, for they chose instead to define each sex by the chromosome layout present at birth (girls XX, boys XY). Unfortunately, this raises an even thornier question, for nowhere that I know of is anyone's chromosome layout inscribed on any legal document. Not even on a birth certificate!
Speaking of which, one's apparent gender (also evident whenever one drops one's drawers) is on one's birth certificate. So, a simple solution would be to require the presentation of a birth certificate whenever one wants to enter a public restroom. Simple solution? Obviously! (Everyone - make sure you carry your birth certificate with you at all times in case you feel the call of nature in a public place.)
Luckily, our illustrious legislators have helped solve the problem by definining a female as follows:
"Female" means a member of the human species who, under normal development, has XX chromosomes and produces or would produce relatively large, relatively immobile gametes, or eggs, during her life cycle and has a reproductive and endocrine system oriented around the production of those gametes. An individual who would otherwise fall within this definition, but for a biological or genetic condition, is female.
So, it's all about eggs. Large eggs. Does it matter if they're brown or white? How about cage-free?
I won't go into the male definition as it's quite mundane.
At any rate, I expect that our all-knowing governor Gianforte will soon sign this ground-breaking legislation into law and we'll all sleep better, knowing that females and males know who they are and where they should go.
In the meantime, I hope you'll contact your representatives to let them know how happy you are with their life choices. Here is their contact information:
Enjoy!
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